Halftime hacks

A beginner’s guide to organizing the biggest musical performance in human history.

If this is your first time hosting the most widely-experienced musical event in the history of our species, you’ll definitely want Chris Martin of Coldplay to organize it. Only Chris has the smarts to kick off a spectacle of this magnitude with Madonna lipping lyrics from a quarter-century ago while zooming around in a dune buggy. Our Chris will also make sure that Madonna’s performance is pre-recorded in the stadium’s subterranean bowels where no one in attendance at this World Cup final will actually be able to see it.

Let’s keep the energy up. More than 1.5 billion people are expected to watch this first-ever World Cup halftime show on television, and that’s roughly one in five people alive — so up next, you’re gonna need Gustavo Dudamel conducting exactly three-sixths of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Honestly, I think Janice, Floyd and Animal are more than enough. (Sorry if you’re just finding out about this, but Dr. Teeth and Zoot both died a few years ago. Fuck cancer.) Anyway, “Seven Nation Army” rocks, but tell Dudamel not to go too hard with the headbanging because the Electric Mayhem won’t actually be playing their instruments. They’re Muppets.

Ooh, this might be cool. When BTS comes out, what if we switch everything up and don’t let them lip sync? Make dudes work for all those high notes in the raw July heat, mere days after rampant wildfire smoke had the inside of MetLife Stadium looking like Blade Runner. If one-fifth of human civilization doesn’t get a kick out of that, we could ask Ted Lasso to introduce Justin Bieber, and then Bieber could sing the words, “It’s the World Cup, hallelujah.” Shakira and Burna Boy sang this year’s official World Cup theme song, so we’ll need to include them, too.

To close it out, we’ll want to prove that Chris Martin knows his planet is watching, that he understands the true nature of this unprecedented event, that he respects the sacred power of sound itself. With a Coldplay song. The band’s only request is that they be surrounded by a human shield made of children and additional Muppets. Ted Lasso can come back, too. Maybe viewers at home will wonder if this is real life. Then, pow-pow-pow-pow-pow! A big fireworks finale in the middle of the sunny afternoon.